We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize