Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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