She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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