some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
