On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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