dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
