you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize