Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
