Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
