i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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