I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
