I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize