Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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