he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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