I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
