i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize