Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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