Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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