WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
