my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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