Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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