im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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