why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize