The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
