I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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