Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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