my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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