The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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