i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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