I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
