The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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