booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
