I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
