Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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