I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
