if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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