do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
