i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
