Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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