His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That accounts for only three of the penises
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
