so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
