Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
