My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
