Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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