It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
