did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize