dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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