I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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