And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
