apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
