You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
