we have pet lesbian snakes
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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