I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
