I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
