somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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