i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
