Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
