I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
