feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize