I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
