i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
